True definition of love? : For thousands of years poets, writers and artists have been trying to explain love. I will explain it to you in 20 minutes. When we look at a painting by Dali for example (my favorite artist) we can look at it in a cold and technical way. What kind of paint did he use? What kind of brushes? What kind of canvas? etc... Or we can just sit and look at it and let our feelings tell us how we feel about his work. I will tell you in a cold and technical way the true definition of love.

In our brain there are two alarms. One for pain and the other is for pleasure. The pain alarm helps us remember not to put our hands in the fire because it will damage our skin. In a normal brain there is a link in our memory between pain and fire. The pleasure alarm helps us remember that we like strawberry cheese cake ice cream (my favorite). And again in a normal brain there is a link in our memory between pleasure and the ice cream. All this is very basic biology.

Love is simply a repeated pleasure we received from a person over a period of time. You can apply this to activities like sports and a hobbies or objects like cars and computers as well. The more pleasure we receive the stronger the love. It does not matter what religion you are or what philosophy you follow, you can not escape this biological definition of love.

love = pleasure x n

Why do we feel emotional pain? : Why do we feel pain when we breakup with a partner? Why do we feel jealousy when we see our partner kissing romantically another person? The pain from lost love or jealousy comes from the loss or threat of loosing what we perceive to be our only source of pleasure. We either think A) we don't have any other sources of pleasure B) if we loose our source of pleasure we think we can never find another. The fear of loosing a source of pleasure can be as painful as the fear of getting pain.

Solution: Stop believing that you only have one source of pleasure and recognize that there are millions of ways to get pleasure. When one has many sources of pleasure or we know we can get others we are not worried about loosing one source of pleasure. And note that not all pleasures come from our lover, you can get pleasure in many many other ways. A diversity of pleasure is also very important ie. sports, hobbies, interests, reading, movies etc... Balancing your pleasure will greatly help your overall happiness and joy for life.

Jealousy = selfish : Jealousy is a selfish behavior. Why? Because if you truly love a person all you want to do is give the one you love pleasure. If you truly love your lover, what is more important? Your happiness or theirs. Of course, this applies as long as you are getting pleasure from giving them pleasure. I am not saying that you have to give up your happiness so they can be happy. When you focus on your lovers happiness we can't be hurt if they are getting pleasure from another. If they decided to separate because they are no longer happy with you, don't you want them to be happy? Wouldn't you do whatever it takes to make your lover happy without sacrificing your own happiness.

Aren't you taking away your lovers pleasure when you are jealous? If you are jealous they can't get pleasure from another because they are worried about your emotional state. Or worse you may threaten them of separation if they don't obey your wishes. Indirectly you are taking away your lovers pleasure. That is not love, this is selfishness. On the other hand if you are not jealous and you only care about your lovers pleasure your are being selfless, loving and giving. That is true love. Mind you as the "jealous" lover you shouldn't just sit there and do nothing. You need to take care of yourself, by yourself and give yourself pleasure as described in the solution above.

Need vrs. Desire : Another great cause of emotional pain is unreasonable expectations. I will explain this by comparing the words desire and need.

Need is an unreasonable expectation. We only really need a few things to survive. We need air, water, food, etc... If we do not get these things we will die. You don't need one particular person to survive. If you loose your lover you will not die. If you feel like you will or want to die that is because you have unreasonable expectations. Remove your expectation and you will remove the pain.

Desire is the feeling or wish to have or do something. But if we don't get what we want we can move on to something else and be flexible. Hence having a reasonable expectation.

Desire is very important. It is what fuels us to get better and advance. We would have never gone to the moon or developed cloning if our brilliant scientists didn't have desire. But our strong desire must be balanced with reason. We must understand that we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to change our plans to achieve our goals. It's not easy to balance but it does help prevent us from hurting our selves and being disappointed.

That is where I feel the Buddhists have fallen short in there thinking about desire. As I understand they feel it better to avoid desire so one does not get attached and be disappointed when we lose what we desire. I feel that is being mentally lazy. I feel that is good to have desire as long as we are not so attached to our desires that we hurt ourselves when we lose the thing we desire. We should be able to desire anything, not to be a afraid to loose it and feel joy even after loosing all the things we desire.

The lack of diverse sources of pleasure : Can you think of a kind of person who has very few sources of pleasure? The fact that they only have one or very few sources of pleasure can be a great source of pain. I am talking about a drug addict. When we have only one or very few sources of pleasure we can behave in many ways like a drug addict.

The typical situation is when we fall so deeply in love with another that we only get pleasure from our lover. When we are alone we seem to forget how to give ourselves pleasure and we become lonely and depressed. If we loose our source of pleasure in such a state of mind we behave just like a drug addict in a desperate search for a fix. Haven't we gotten together with another lover right after a break up and later regret it as we realize we didn't make a good choice. We had hooked up with a new lover "on the rebound" in a desperate attempt to replace the previously lost source of pleasure. Another scenario is where we are so desperate for pleasure that in our rage we hurt mentally or worse physically the person that refuses to give us pleasure. Obliviously these are extreme cases but clearly show what happens when we don't have many sources of pleasure.

When we behave like a drug addict we loose ourselves in one (or very few) sources of pleasure. We look to give ourselves pleasure while not having any hope of getting some from anything else in our lives. We just seem to forget that there are many other pleasures in life when we become addicted to one or few. We get a lot of pain when we use love like a drug addicts use drugs. So why don't we know any better? Why do we keep torturing ourselves and repeating the same patterns?

TV drama emotion modeling : The reason we have not learned any better is because of modeling. Assuming you are 25 years old, you will have been watching TV, movies, music and music videos, reading books and observing your family and friends for about 20 years. These are your influences and you simply have modeled what you grew up with. Even if today you decide that you want to change, it may take some time for your brain to "reprogram" itself to a new way of thinking. Another problem is most of us don't want to reprogram ourselves or we don't even know that there is another way to live. If you have gotten this far, you now know there is.

Turning it around : Prolonged exposure to emotional pain can hurt you physically over the long run as much as fire can in an instant. One way to deal with negative emotions sustained over a long period of time is to know that the pleasure (love) received from a person can be replaced. Meaning you don't need one person in particular although we do all need human companionship. So if one person is not right for you... find another. It seems cold and cruel but it isn't when you consider the pain you get if you don't think that way. Which is better? #1 To be cruel and emotionally cold (as perceived by TV drama emotions) and preserve your happiness and harmony or #2 Torture yourself with the pain of lost love, jealousy, etc...?

When you go to the ice cream store and they run out of your favorite ice cream... what do you do? Yell, get angry and trash the store? NO!!! You simply get another flavor. People can't be compared to ice cream you say? That is true, however the basic emotion involved is the same. We just have clouded it with myths and fantasies from our pop culture. Do you recognize this "How can I live with out you..." or "I will die for you... lie for you" etc... Ok so you ask where do we get fun out of love?

The fun part of love is to discover the rainbow of pleasures that you and your mate both like and what new pleasures you could explore and discover together. The more these pleasures are compatible and numerous the stronger the love. As long as the emotions are positive the myths and fantasies are ok to live out. I am a romantic person. I like to give flowers and chocolates etc... I like soft lights, romantic music and moonlight drives on my motorcycle. I love to live life to its fullest as long as the emotions are positive. When the emotions turn negative I do everything I can to turn them around.

I love myself : I am the most important person in my life. You should be the most important person in your life. I am not talking about egoism and selfishness. I am trying to say that loving yourself is very important for self-esteem and self-confidence. We should love ourselves infinitely and exactly the way we are, faults and all. It does not mean that we shouldn't try to improve ourselves but rather because we love ourselves we know we can improve. A good test to see if you really love yourself is to stand in front of the mirror naked and just look at your body. Do you love what you see? Are you your own best friend? Are you there for you when you need support? If not then you need to work on loving yourself. Loving yourself is also very much connected to loving others. How can others love you, if you don't?

Jealousy is the opposite of love : To understand jealousy we need to look at its history. Jealousy is a very instinctive and natural behavior. Sometime in our history, survival of the clan and later the family was very important. Jealousy helped keep the clans or families together and stable. The clans and families were partly responsible for keeping the human population high enough so that the human species would not die out.

Well I think most would agree we are way way beyond the risky point of dying out. So jealousy really has no more use in the success of the population of the human species. Actually it now has an apposite effect in that jealousy causes violence and that violence is what we have as our biggest problem today. How can we over come an instinctive behavior such as jealousy you ask? Consciousness. A person who has no consciousness (a severely mentally handicapped person for example) will not know how to control instinctive behaviors such as bowel movements (going to the bathroom). In this case, this behavior is very natural. When you got to go, you got to go. But if the mentally handicapped person is made aware or conscious of the negative side effects (smell, mess to clean, etc...) of such a behavior then consciousness can help control that behavior. Nobody can hold it in forever but you get my point. So this means that if you are made aware that jealousy is a negative behavior and that there are many benefits to not feeling jealousy you can come to control what is a very instinctive behavior.

When we are jealous we are not loving. When we are with our partner the most important thing to us should be their happiness. How can us wanting our partner to stop themselves from having pleasure be considered love. Jealousy is synonymous with selfishness. I want no part of it in my life. I am not saying its easy and I am certainly not saying that I never feel jealousy. I am simply saying that when I do feel it I have an understanding that its wrong and I have a way of living that helps me eliminate jealous feelings.

Pleasure and love : As amino acids are the building blocks of protein, pleasure is the building block of love. When I make a decision about my life I always base it on pleasure. Will I get pleasure from this? How can I get pleasure out of something I have to do (like a job)? I understand that pain (mental or physical) is a warning that something is wrong ie: remove your hand form the fire, leave your partner, quit this job etc... So if I feel pain there are only two possible solutions #1 Change the way you think #2 Change your situation.

• #1 Our culture has made us feel that certain things are wrong even if physically we can get pleasure from it. EXAMPLE: How are culture thinks about sex. Even though sex can give a tremendous amount of pleasure most cultures regard sex very negatively. SOLUTION: Question your education and change the way you think.
• #2 Our culture has made us feel that certain things should be good even if they give us pain . EXAMPLE: Even though one may hate ones job or partner most cultures have a very self mutilating work and family ethic. SOLUTION: Question your education and change your situation by quitting your job and/or leaving your partner.

Its not always easy to know if the pain you feel is caused by your education or your DNA. Meaning under optimal circumstances if you had been free to try anything freely would you prefer men or women as sexual partners? Would you prefer one on one relationships or would you like a more open style relationship? Did or will you choose to marry because everyone else does it or because that is truly what you want? You must peel away the layers of education to look underneath and see yourself as you truly are. Your DNA is the only true you. Let it express itself, listen to your inner self or (as some people call it) the spirit. Look for the innocent child you once were. After more then 20 years of education in the traditional way it will take most at least 20 more to peel away most of the layers of education that we don't want. Of course everyone will peel away at different speed and it is not an over night process.

Often we don't fully enjoy our lives because we follow rules (which are often anti-pleasure) blindly and wonder why our life is boring. Some times we think we our fully enjoying our life until we get out of our cage (the set of rules that our education has imposed upon us unknowingly) and once we get out we never want to get back into the cage. Which is often the case if we get a lot of pleasure from breaking a cultural rule (sex before marriage, foreign boyfriends, same sex partners, etc...).

Important note: When I say that pleasure is very important, I don't mean that it's ok to get pleasure and hurt others in the process. If you don't hurt anyone or yourself and its between consenting adults then anything goes.

Infinite love : Infinite love means that one does not need to limit ones love to one person. Just like you can love two friends, two brothers or sisters or your parents why not two girlfriends or boyfriends. It is true our cultures have establish rules about what is ok to do with parents and siblings and what is ok with lovers. But the love we feel for family comes from the same place in our brain as the love from a lover. Remember earlier I mentioned that love is simply a repeated pleasure we received with a person over a period of time. Love is so important to make our culture progress. All I want to do is to love infinitely. Its not easy considering our throw away, materialistic, jealous culture. I think considering all the pain I used to go threw in my relationships, before I learned about my present philosophy I know now I am definitely on the right track. I am happier then I have ever been and I keep learning everyday how to improve even more my happiness threw love.

Forever love? : Its foolish to think that one can love a person forever. Marriages in Western countries only work 50% of the time. It would probably be much less if there where no social pressures to keep people together (family, money, children etc...). The reason is that people naturally grow and change. If they grow together then that is great but most naturally grow in different directions. The time varies depending on many factors. There is nothing bad about growing and changing. You must be partners only as long as you are both happy. And we must be wise and separate before hate sets in. Marriage in most cultures does not permit such freedom so I don't think its the best formula to make a partnership work.

Making love and nudity : Making love is one of the best ways to communicate love to another person. Remember the pleasure alarm? Well when one makes love and gives an orgasm, we give our partners pleasure alarm the highest natural sensation possible. Nothing natural can top it. Since I think that pleasure is so important for life, it goes without saying sex is also important. Why is sex so bad? Its a very natural thing. We have all sorts of ideas about sex because of our education and our experiences. The problem is we can't choose our education and we don't learn to look at our experiences objectively. If you have a bad first sexual experience does that mean all sex after that will be the same? Of course not but some people think that.

First of all you should learn about your own body sexuality. That means you need to masturbate. There is nothing dirty or unhealthy about masturbating. If you are to become a good lover and to enjoy your sexuality you must learn how to get an orgasm. If you don't know how to get an orgasm yourself how can you teach your partner how to give you an orgasm. When one knows well ones own body, one can tell others what you know.

The body. The most beautiful thing created on earth in my opinion. Why do we feel shy or shame if the body is not covered up? Education again. But if you look at your education and think hard about it you may realize that your culture is mistaken in making sex and the body a taboo.

Universal Friendship of Infinite Love : A few years ago I accidentally discovered a passage from the book "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. This passage can almost be considered a poem in itself. Originally meant to describe "traditional marriages" I only so slightly modified a few words to fit my own non-spiritual scientific thinking. This poem describes perfectly the relationship I wish to have with the women in my life. In today's society there exists a tendency to consider another human being as property even through a legal contract ie: marriage. I wish to rid myself of this archaic construct and live a life filled with love, mutual respect and freedom.

Universal Friendship of Infinite Love

We were brought together, and together we shall be forevermore.

We shall be together when white wings of death scatter our DNA.
We shall be together even in the silent memories of the Elohim.

But let there be spaces in our togetherness,
And let the winds of infinity dance between us.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of our consciousnesses.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of our bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of us be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.
Give our hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain our hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Last thought

Words to summarize my whole philosophy.